Welcome to the Conservative Cacti

This website is dedicated to Conservative humor. It consists of parodies, humorous images, comments, and opinions. WARNING: Some of the humor can be rather blue.

You can contribute your own creations on the submit page. No pornography or overtly disgusting submissions will be posted. All submissions will be judged and not all will be posted here. I hope ya’ll enjoy this website’s content.

With all the Liberals threatening to leave if Trump becomes President, here is a look at a future news article.

Crisis at the Canadian Border – A Prescient Look at the Consequences of a Republican Win in November

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.’s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”

 

This Disney Trailer is a perfect example of what our Government is like. (It’s LOL!!)
https://www.youtube.com/embed/bY73vFGhSVk

 

The Evil Empire Being Destroyed: 

GIF not compatible

 

From inside the Scooby Van at a Hillary Clinton meet and greet:
Bill: Ted, are we ready?
Ted: We’re ready. Reading Mrs. Clinton five by five.
Bill: Are the handlers in position in case of an emergency?
Ted: Ten four.
Bill: OK Mrs. Clinton, let’s do this just like we rehearsed.
Ted: I hope the powered leg braces don’t malfunction like they did at the debate.
Bill: Oh, I hope not….OK Mrs. Clinton, here we go, now slowly walk towards the crowd….that’s good….now smile like we practiced.
Ted: Oh no! She’s opening her mouth! She’s scaring the children!
Bill: Close your mouth Mrs. Clinton! Show only your teeth……that’s good….now wave to the people.
Ted: Holy Hitler!! Her arm is sticking straight out! It looks like a NAZI salute!!
Bill: Mrs. Clinton, bend your arm at the elbow! No, no, no, the other arm!….OK, that’s good.
Ted: I am definitely not getting paid enough.
Bill: Shush Ted! OK, Mrs. Clinton, now lower your arm….that’s good.
Ted: Bill, there’s a problem! We’re getting some cross talk on our frequency!
Bill: Where’s it coming from?
Ted: I’m triangulating now…it’s coming from the Rubio campaign control van. They must be using their Rubio Robot close by…..oh no! She’s speaking!
Mrs. Clinton: “…..and President Obama knows exactly what he is doing.”
Bill: Quick Ted switch to the alternate frequency!
Ted: Done!…..Reading five by five on the alternate frequency.
Bill: That was close!
Ted:  Thank the Lord it was only that line!
Bill: Quiet Ted! You know how she hates religion. She might here you.
Ted: OK…Oh no! There’s an open bar!…She sees it!
Bill: Mrs. Clinton, do not go towards the bar. I repeat, do not go towards the bar. Stay with the people.
Ted: She’s not responding. She’s making a bee line for the bar!
Bill: Mrs. Clinton, do not go towards the bar! Ted, sound the alarm!
Ted: Attention all personnel! This is a code Vodka alert! I repeat, this is a code Vodka alert! This is not a drill! Head off Mrs. Clinton! Keep her away from the bar!
Bill: Oh no! She’s tossing the handlers out of the way like rag dolls! Mrs. Clinton, please stop! Do not go towards the bar!
Ted: Oh no! She’s made it to the bar and has gotten hold of a bottle of Vodka!
Bill: D@mn! I’ve never seen anyone polish off a full bottle of Vodka that quickly!
Ted: What do we do now, Bill?
…to be continued.
Be sure to catch our next exciting episode of “The Hillary Clinton Campaign”. Will Bill and Ted be able to stop Hillary? Will Bill and Ted have an excellent adventure or will their nightmare continue? Will Hillary, as usual, go through three bottles of Vodka? Be sure to tune in next time and find out! “The Hillary Clinton Campaign” is sponsored by Smirnoff Vodka.

 

And now a word from our sponsor.

Are, you tired of feeling screwed over during the last seven years?
Does it feel like the BOHICAs (Bend Over, Here It Comes Again) are too frequent?
Well then folks, do we have a product for you!
Presenting, from the Ronco DNC division, the new and improved, HILLDO!!

That’s right friends, the new and improved Hilldo is now available thru this special offer and it comes in three new and exciting colors; Socialist Red, Marxist Red and the ever popular Communist Red. Comrades, you are going to just love being screwed over with this amazing new product. Just listen to these testimonials;

“I just love my Hilldo! I use it all the time. Being pleasured by this great product is the best part of my day!” Huma Abedin.
“This is the most fun I ever had with a product. It’s the reason I don’t have a boyfriend!” Lena Dunham
“The Hilldo makes my toes curl almost as much as my hair.” Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

The new and amazing Hilldo is available now for only ten easy payments of $29.99 plus $20 trillion for shipping and handling. And it comes with a money back guarantee. If you are not 100% satisfied with the Hilldo, your Democrat Overlords will come back and take all of your money, guaranteed!

And if you act now, we will also throw in this shredded copy of the United States Constitution, absolutely free! Plus, if you are not completely thrilled with your new and improved Hilldo, your Democrat Overlords will send you and your family on an all expenses paid vacation to one of our new “Fun Camps”. Where you and your entire family will experience the joys of re-education.

And as a bonus offer, we will also throw in an authentic Monica moistened Bill Clinton cigar. Made of the finest Dominican Republic tobacco and personally moistened by the Blue Dress Intern herself! You will be able to impress your family, friends and neighbors with this amazing piece of history.

So act now, before it’s too late. You get the Hilldo, in one of three amazing colors, plus a shredded copy of the US Constitution and the Monica moistened Bill Clinton cigar for only ten easy payments of $29.99 plus $20 trillion for shipping and handling. What are you waiting for America? Order now, before it’s too late!

We now return to our special presentation of “As the Canadian Squirms” starring Ted Cruz.

 

This unprecedented lack of precedent has never been seen before by some scientific experts who have declared it to be a calamity of cataclysmic proportions while others call it a cataclysm of calamitous proportions. While there is disagreement among the climate linguists over noun and adjective climate combinations, there is a strong consensus that the best way to grapple with never seen before and unprecedented catastrophic cataclysmic, calamitous, and devastating climate crisis is for our global government messiahs to establish a Global Order of Total Climate Heroism Alliance (GOTCHA). It will collect an international tax that will scientifically frighten nefarious global warming into compliance with international standards and demand the return of the polar ice caps and glacial ice that has been stolen from us.

Further, the Associated Leaders for Global Organized Relief of Earths Faulty Air River and Terrestrial Environment Divisions (ALGOREFARTED) will be established to measure climate emissions and report on its findings to the Scientific World Incorporation for Newly Developed Levies and Exchange (SWINDLE) which will assess fines, penalties, kickbacks, and bribes when deemed necessary and expedient.

 

Now for a word from our sponsor.

Now available from the Ronco Republican Establishment Division, it’s the all new Marco Rubio bobble head doll.

This amazing new product is now available to the gullible public. Standing at an astounding four inches tall, this almost life size doll, is soon to be a treasured collectable. Plus your collectable Marco Rubio bobble head doll also talks!  Entertain yourself for hours by listening to the same poll tested lines over and over and over again!

And if, you, act now, we will throw in, at no additional charge, the other seven gang of eight talking bobble head dolls! You, your family and friends will be thrilled while listening to the gang of eight talk and nod their heads in approval of amnesty and the selling out your country. And your talking Marco Rubio bobble head doll comes with a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If, you are not fully satisfied with the talking Marco Rubio bobble head doll, we will do the same thing your GOP Congressmen and Senators have done, keep your money and do absolutely nothing, guaranteed!

Plus, for a limited time, we will add this Tiny Bubbles brand Foam Party machine at no extra charge! Now, you can create your own Foam Party in the privacy of your own home. Think of all the joy you will experience as you try and explain, to your children, what an alternative lifestyle is! “Daddy, why do all the men have no clothes on at the Foam Party?”

All this can be yours for only six easy yearly payments of $200k each plus $17 trillion for shipping and handling. This offer ends on November 8th so don’t delay!

And as another bonus, we will throw in this authentic stunning Jeb! action figure. Watch and be amazed as your Jeb! action figure melts down in front of your own eyes, just like his campaign! To activate it, all  you have to do is just clap. This product has been endorsed by and has the seal of approval of 9 out of 10 K Street donors.

So act quickly. You get the talking Marco Rubio bobble head doll, the other 7 gang of 8 bobble head dolls, the Tiny Bubbles brand Foam Party machine, and the Jeb! action figure for only six easy yearly payments of $200k each plus $17 trillion for shipping and handling. Remember, you only have until November 8th to place your order!

We now return to our special presentation of, “As the Establishment Squirms” starring Karl Rove.

 

Trump_wall

 

We pause now for a word from our sponsor.

You have seen all the political pundits on TV. You have seen them throwing around their opinions and using different kinds of props while making their points. Have you ever wished you were a part of this cabal? Have you ever wished to scream and flail about on TV just like the political pundits. Well now you can!

From the Ronco Political Prop Division, introducing the Karl Rove White Board! That’s right folks, an authentic Karl Rove White Board is now available to the public. Imagine yourself making outrageous statements while holding up your White Board just like Karl Rove on TV. Impress your friends, make You Tube videos, post yourself on your never visited Blog Site. You will now be able to share your unintelligible insane rants with the general public while holding your authentic Karl Rove White Board next to your head.

And as a bonus offer, we will also throw in a Glenn Beck Chalkboard at no extra charge. That’s right friends, you can now go loony toons bat shit crazy just like Glenn Beck does on the Blaze. Whether or not you decide to do it while wearing a Bikini with spinning tassels, just like Glenn Beck, is up to you.

All this can be yours for only sixty easy payments of $19.99 plus $5000.00 for shipping and handling. And it comes with a money back 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you are not fully satisfied, we will give you back any payments you have made. Just send another $5000.00 for shipping and handling and we will return your payments, guaranteed!

Plus as a bonus offer, at no extra charge, we will throw in this working replica of Rush Limbaugh’s EIB Golden Microphone. Plated with five carat gold, this replica EIB microphone will make you the envy of all your establishment friends. Just like El Rushbo, you will be able to your express your never ending love for Marco “Tiny Bubbles” Rubio. Make false innuendoes about candidates, make jokes about Bubba and Hitlary, say just like Rush, that you are almost always right.

And if you act within the next thirty days, you will also receive the Chris Mathew’s Leg Tingler! This voice activated product of modern technology can now be yours. Experience the same thrill up your leg that Chris Mathews does. Simply attach the wired Velcro straps to the top and bottom of your leg. Plug the Tingler into a 50 amp 240 volt outlet and you’re ready to go! Every time the Tingler detects Barack Obama’s voice, fifty million volts will shoot through your leg, giving you the thrill of a lifetime!

Don’t delay, act now! You get the Karl Rove White Board, the Glenn Beck Chalkboard, the replica Golden EIB Microphone, plus the Chris Mathews Leg Tingler for only sixty easy payments of $19.99 plus $5000.00 for shipping and handling. You will be sorry if you don’t act on this amazing offer.

The Ronco Political Prop Division is not responsible for any injuries or deaths caused by the Tingler. Bikini with spinning tassels not included.

 

COMMENTS SECTION BELOW