Welcome to the Conservative Cacti

This website is dedicated to Conservative humor. It consists of parodies, humorous images, comments, and opinions. WARNING: Some of the humor can be rather blue.

You can contribute your own creations on the submit page. No pornography or overtly disgusting submissions will be posted. All submissions will be judged and not all will be posted here. I hope ya’ll enjoy this website’s content.

With all the Liberals threatening to leave if Trump becomes President, here is a look at a future news article.

Crisis at the Canadian Border – A Prescient Look at the Consequences of a Republican Win in November

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Ontario border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips.”

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.’s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. “I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “How many art-history majors does one country need?”


This Disney Trailer is a perfect example of what our Government is like. (It’s LOL!!)


The Evil Empire Being Destroyed: 

GIF not compatible


From inside the Scooby Van at a Hillary Clinton meet and greet:
Bill: Ted, are we ready?
Ted: We’re ready. Reading Mrs. Clinton five by five.
Bill: Are the handlers in position in case of an emergency?
Ted: Ten four.
Bill: OK Mrs. Clinton, let’s do this just like we rehearsed.
Ted: I hope the powered leg braces don’t malfunction like they did at the debate.
Bill: Oh, I hope not….OK Mrs. Clinton, here we go, now slowly walk towards the crowd….that’s good….now smile like we practiced.
Ted: Oh no! She’s opening her mouth! She’s scaring the children!
Bill: Close your mouth Mrs. Clinton! Show only your teeth……that’s good….now wave to the people.
Ted: Holy Hitler!! Her arm is sticking straight out! It looks like a NAZI salute!!
Bill: Mrs. Clinton, bend your arm at the elbow! No, no, no, the other arm!….OK, that’s good.
Ted: I am definitely not getting paid enough.
Bill: Shush Ted! OK, Mrs. Clinton, now lower your arm….that’s good.
Ted: Bill, there’s a problem! We’re getting some cross talk on our frequency!
Bill: Where’s it coming from?
Ted: I’m triangulating now…it’s coming from the Rubio campaign control van. They must be using their Rubio Robot close by…..oh no! She’s speaking!
Mrs. Clinton: “…..and President Obama knows exactly what he is doing.”
Bill: Quick Ted switch to the alternate frequency!
Ted: Done!…..Reading five by five on the alternate frequency.
Bill: That was close!
Ted:  Thank the Lord it was only that line!
Bill: Quiet Ted! You know how she hates religion. She might here you.
Ted: OK…Oh no! There’s an open bar!…She sees it!
Bill: Mrs. Clinton, do not go towards the bar. I repeat, do not go towards the bar. Stay with the people.
Ted: She’s not responding. She’s making a bee line for the bar!
Bill: Mrs. Clinton, do not go towards the bar! Ted, sound the alarm!
Ted: Attention all personnel! This is a code Vodka alert! I repeat, this is a code Vodka alert! This is not a drill! Head off Mrs. Clinton! Keep her away from the bar!
Bill: Oh no! She’s tossing the handlers out of the way like rag dolls! Mrs. Clinton, please stop! Do not go towards the bar!
Ted: Oh no! She’s made it to the bar and has gotten hold of a bottle of Vodka!
Bill: D@mn! I’ve never seen anyone polish off a full bottle of Vodka that quickly!
Ted: What do we do now, Bill?
…to be continued.
Be sure to catch our next exciting episode of “The Hillary Clinton Campaign”. Will Bill and Ted be able to stop Hillary? Will Bill and Ted have an excellent adventure or will their nightmare continue? Will Hillary, as usual, go through three bottles of Vodka? Be sure to tune in next time and find out! “The Hillary Clinton Campaign” is sponsored by Smirnoff Vodka.


And now a word from our sponsor.

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We now return to our special presentation of “As the Canadian Squirms” starring Ted Cruz.


This unprecedented lack of precedent has never been seen before by some scientific experts who have declared it to be a calamity of cataclysmic proportions while others call it a cataclysm of calamitous proportions. While there is disagreement among the climate linguists over noun and adjective climate combinations, there is a strong consensus that the best way to grapple with never seen before and unprecedented catastrophic cataclysmic, calamitous, and devastating climate crisis is for our global government messiahs to establish a Global Order of Total Climate Heroism Alliance (GOTCHA). It will collect an international tax that will scientifically frighten nefarious global warming into compliance with international standards and demand the return of the polar ice caps and glacial ice that has been stolen from us.

Further, the Associated Leaders for Global Organized Relief of Earths Faulty Air River and Terrestrial Environment Divisions (ALGOREFARTED) will be established to measure climate emissions and report on its findings to the Scientific World Incorporation for Newly Developed Levies and Exchange (SWINDLE) which will assess fines, penalties, kickbacks, and bribes when deemed necessary and expedient.


Now for a word from our sponsor.

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We now return to our special presentation of, “As the Establishment Squirms” starring Karl Rove.




We pause now for a word from our sponsor.

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